A Double Portion

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Have you ever felt pain that you thought you would never recover from? My sister Denise shares how God not only helped her with the loss of her son but also blessed her in double portion.

My name is Denise. My husband Joe and I have a lovely daughter named Becca.  Although we already had Becca, we always knew that we wanted to add another child to our family. When Becca turned four, circumstances were finally ready for us to try for our second child. After only trying for a short period of time, I managed to conceive and we were overjoyed.  This is because it took us a lot longer to conceive our first child, Becca, and I’ve always considered her our little miracle fighter as she came to greet us 5 weeks earlier than her due date.

However, the second pregnancy did not start off as smooth, as I was constantly bleeding and was put on bed rest. Nevertheless, we managed to persevere into the fourth month and we were very excited to find out that the baby was a boy. But immediately after, my biggest nightmare started.

One day, I experienced excruciating pain that led my husband to send me to the Emergency Room. To my horror, I was told at the hospital that I suffered an unexpected miscarriage. The scene is still vivid in my mind as I went hysterical when I realized that my baby was gone. I was literally begging the midwives to save our baby. I did not want to push our baby out for a long time because I was still hoping that he still had a chance at survival.

The mental pain of having to deliver my baby who had already passed away was greater than all the physical pain that I had endured.  I cried hard but there were no tears.  I saw my hubby sobbing beside me and I have never seen him cry before.  At that moment however, I felt God’s presence as if He was standing at the corner crying with us for our loss.  In my mind, I asked God, “Why God? Why are you taking away our precious baby?” When I looked at our baby, I saw that he was so tiny but absolutely beautiful. Although I’ll never have a chance to cuddle him, kiss him or watch him grow up, his appearance was engraved in my heart forever.  We named him Isaac.

The pain of losing a child was excruciating, surpassing any break ups I have had in the past. I thought those breakups were painful encounters but I was so wrong.  I felt regretful, guilty, angry, lost and most of all, I missed my baby dearly.  Regret, because I did not really bond with him when he was growing inside of me because of the traumatic bleeding I endured during my first trimester. Guilty, because I couldn’t protect him.  Angry at God, for taking him away.  Lost, as my life was never the same again.  I missed him so much that my soul felt empty and lifeless and my heart was shattered.

I only let myself grieve and cry out loud when I was alone most times because I did not want to break my husband’s heart.  Braving through the days, I found strength through talking to God as reaching out to Him made me stronger and stronger.  As time passed by, the initial anger I felt was gone as I knew it wasn’t God who caused me the pain.  He is a God of love and a loving father who grieved beside me.  I also realized that our heavenly father had been preparing me for this day to find the strength I needed to pick myself up again.

During my darkest hours, He sent me many angels to lift up my spirit, to preach and to remind me that God remembers me.  They declared God’s promises over me, that He will reward my faith and that my tears will be redeemed with a double portion of blessings. As it is written in Isaiah 61:7,

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”

I have never felt this closer to Him. However, I still could not understand why God took our baby Isaac away as it seemed like He gifted us a miracle of love, only to take it away before we had a chance to meet him. But I know that His plans are better than ours.  Now I know in part, but one day I will know in full (1 Corinthians 13:12).

As the days, weeks and months passed by, I stayed faithful of conceiving again.  I even prepared for the event by buying baby stuff ahead of time and waited obediently for God to send us another child.

To our surprise, on our second month of trying, which was six months after losing baby Isaac, I was pregnant again.  During my second doctor visit, we had the shock of our lives when we were told that there was a second heartbeat on the ultrasound.  We were having twins, identical twins!!  It was not a mistake or a coincidence.  Instantly, I knew God remembered His promise and blessings, double in portion!   “Every dream that I placed in your heart, I will bring it to pass” – I came across this phrase over and over.

My first trimester being pregnant with the twins was full of trials as I was constantly bleeding and was put on bed rest again.  I was in and out of the doctor’s clinic and I even had to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital.  There were many nights when I woke up bleeding and trembling in fear in the bathroom.  When I was on bed rest I had to depend on others to take care of me. As I am the eldest in my family, being dependent was not something I was used to.  It left me feeling really helpless and frustrated.  Over time, I learned to overcome my weakness and fear by praying and renewing my faith daily and by listening to sermons online.  Those days were not easy but I had God with me throughout my journey and that made it very fulfilling.  I held on to God’s words to get me through each day. God said,

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declared the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
– Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Nine months passed by and the twins were finally born safe and sound. It was the biggest relief moment for both my husband and I.  Hearing their cries actually warmed my heart knowing we are blessed with two healthy babies.  God answered our prayers in the most amazing way possible and we are forever grateful for our miracle bundles of joy from heaven, our double portion of blessings.

From time to time, I still miss baby Isaac as having the twins does not replace the love I have for him but now I understand the purpose of him being sent to us for that brief four and the half months.  Isaac is our guardian angel.  He reminds us of how precious life is and to appreciate others who still live on.

I am sharing my story today because during my most challenging times, I was reminded that what was my TEST then will become my TESTIMONY today.  And I am here to testify today that when you place your heart and faith in Jesus, He will deliver on all that He has promised you.